Show #245

Hello Friends of the Garden!

I have had trouble sleeping lately. I've been waking up really early, like 4:00 AM or 5:00 AM. I've had a lot on my mind and there's been plenty of things to think about. I'm sure that part of my trouble sleeping has been due to an injury to my knee. It's difficult to find a comfortable position to rest it. It seemed like such a simple thing. I just twisted it a little helping a friend move some furniture. I wasn't even carrying anything when I did it. I tried to just "walk it off" but, it didn't go away. 

I tried taking some Ibuprofen and that didn't do much. I got a knee brace and that felt a little better. Being a guy like I am I figured a better (i.e.more expensive) brace would be even better. The momentary relief I experienced was not commensurate with the additional cost of the brace. The search to assuage my pain remained unanswered. I tried heat packs. I tried ice packs. I began to understand that this was something I needed help with.

I finally went to the doctor. The stubborn fool that I am eventually gave in to the reality (pain) that I wasn't getting better. I became concerned that I may have injured myself more seriously than I realized. Having given in to that reality and knowing that this was out of my control, I began to amplify the possibilities of the unknown and fear crept in. So, with a mixture of trepidation and concession I decided to put my fate in the hands of doctors ( a standard and typical first response for normal people).

I've never enjoyed the doctor's office. I don't get why they call it an appointment! Every time I've gone at the appointed time, I've always waited an extra inordinate amount of time. The extra wait only fuels the frustration and anxiety. I've never understood why you wait in an outside area with old magazines only to wait in a smaller room by yourself with even older magazines! The minutes click by at an exasperatingly slow pace every time!

The jubilation of the door finally opening and the doctor appearing subsides quickly as he asks you all the questions you've already answered to the people up front and the nurses that escorted you to your little room. It feels like everybody but your doctor knows what's going on with you. After getting the doctor up to speed he proceeds to twist and bend my tender knee inducing little yelps from the discomfort. This is followed by some clicking on the computer and mysterious scribbling on a clipboard.

As if I were waiting on the opening of an Oscar envelope I anxiously await the doctors determination. Relief feels only moments away! "Take Ibuprofen, use heat and ice packs, and you should be fine in two weeks." is his advice. All those feelings funnel in to one of total frustration. I was hoping for something more! This is so anticlimactic! Two weeks!?! Really? I limped out of the office and headed home shaking my head!

That pain in my knee suddenly became insignificant as I was shocked by the news of the passing of my friend, Tyson Kanzler, this Monday. Ty and I had many, many things in common. We weren't as close as I would have liked to have been. I'm friends with most of Ty's close friends and it has been hard to witness their sense of loss. Ty will be forever linked to one of my most treasured moments in my life. We had some private moments together and shared our feelings in a way that wasn't superficial or contrived. I'll miss that and I'll miss the opportunity for any other such moments.

A clear distinction between Ty and myself was/is in talent. Clever, funny, introspective, humble and creative were all attributes that Ty channeled in to his talent for music. Ty wrote the theme song for the Rogue Show that we performed in together. I'll never forget opening night. 

Amidst the hustle and bustle of the few moments before the show began, Ty and I sat quietly on a bench alone, away from the other cast members. Ty sensed my nervousness and he put his hand on my shoulder and thanked me for involving him in the show. He told me how he was afraid to perform. I was so wrapped up in my own fear that I was surprised by his admission! I thought to myself, "What? Are you kidding? Ty, you are so talented! I only wish I could be as good as you are!" 

I realized then what the greater commonalities were that Ty and I shared. Self-deprication, vulnerability to insecurity, doubt and an unreasonable denial of capability were/are shackles that we shared. In spite of all the affirmation of all our close friends, both Ty and I had trouble convincing ourselves otherwise. 

My loss pales in comparison to that of Ty's wife, Jen and that of his other closer friends! I always envy groups that are tight and enjoy life and do things together like Ty and his band of Tower buddies. It's as if I've been trying to worm my way in to this group to have the taste of what they experience. Nonetheless, Ty and I had connection and I think what I'll miss the most is the separate journey we were both on to conquer our demons together! 

I'm always late to the party! I missed a great opportunity to know a great man, a real man, a man that was filled with kindness and humility and more to offer than he ever gave himself credit for! Like my other friends that have passed on, I will treasure the precious memories and lessons left to me. I'll miss you Ty but, I'll never forget you, I'll always be thankful for you!

On to Show #245! Well, I was affected by the passing of my friend and I wanted to use my opportunity to pay tribute to him! I'll have to say that this show is decidedly more reflective than normal. I think beautiful and heartfelt describes this show more so than sad. Sorry, if it seems somber but I couldn't get past needing to reflect and honor my friend. I hope you'll appreciate my sentiment and know that it's just my way of processing the changes!

Thank you so much Robin and Jerry! You guys are a rock, a source of strength that has always given me confidence! I can't imagine this journey without you!

Thank you kind listeners of the show and readers of this message! I appreciate your patience with me. I realize this writing thing may not be your thing so, please if I bore you with it just skip this part! I have simply found a place and point in time where it feels good to express myself this way!

Peace and love to you all!

Mike