Show #230

Hello Friends of the Garden

Another beautiful Saturday at
Golden Gate Park!

First off I 'd like to apologize for last weeks absence. The hustle of getting to Hardly Strictly Bluegrass took more time and energy than I was prepared for. I decided to take a week off for myself so I could just enjoy the event. As it turned out there must have been some kind of programming error and last weeks's show was one hour later than normal. Seems like whenever I'm not in the studio things don't always go as planned.

Guy with a "Shot-Ski"

I feel like my attitude has changed regarding errors in programming. In the past, I would  be concerned when my show didn't air. Now that I have 229 shows under my belt the numbers minimize the feelings of needing to be there all the time. In fact, I think I'll institute a "vacation day" for my HSB weekends from this point forward. A little break is a good thing!

Pouring them up!

Chuggin' 'em down!

This Saturday (Oct. 8th) is my birthday! I'm at my little garage desk like I spend most mornings, sipping coffee, listening to NPR and watching the world wake up. It is a very peaceful, relaxed feeling. The only difference in this particular Saturday morning is that it is my birthday. Outwardly, it seems like any other Saturday, yet my mind won't let it go that easily. Self reflection ruminates in the background of my mind like a slow moving storm cloud on the horizon.

I suppose the connotation of a storm cloud would presume a "half empty glass" mentality. I have never understood why I torture myself over the perceived failures of the past while completely minimizing the successes. Sure, it's easy enough to say that it is simply human nature to feel that way, but why? My guess is that it is because of the feeling that time is running out and the list of things to accomplish has not gotten any shorter. Birthdays have a way of bringing that to the forefront.

These thoughts and feelings aren't something that I discuss with anyone. I know I have friends that are older and consider me a youngster (now that's funny)! I also know younger people that I stand in awe of because of the amazing accomplishments they have already made in their relatively short lives. I must have this giant hole that can't be filled with enough sympathy and affirmation. Clearly, this is a weakness I have that time has been slow to address due to the stubbornness of my hard head!

I spend way too much time dwelling on my perceptions, so much so that it can almost feel paralyzing. I know I have a voice and I have a place in life that compels me to seek ways to make that evident. In the same moment I get overwhelmed with the notion that I appear to be a self-promoting attention junkie! 

I blame my dearly departed parents! They both had such great belief in me! I always felt that they were never surprised by the things I accomplished. They made me feel as though I had this potential to do anything I set my sights on. My mother, Margie, would especially push me towards being some kind of actor/entertainer. She would constantly, yet gently suggest that I find ways to explore that and always affirm that I had the ability to be successful if I did.

That deep seated seed, planted by my mother and father was only amplified by my wife! My parents and my wife had/have this unshakable belief in me. How in the world could my wife have learned this mantra so similar to my parents and never known them growing up? My close friends have echoed this same sentiment. And now, a few of you listeners have made the effort to show your appreciation for me with emails. There is no lack of support of and faith in my life other than my own failure to see it!

Somehow, pride seems to be at the root of this. Oddly, it's not pride in myself that I feel the weight of. It feels more like a need to fulfill that belief of my potential to everyone past and present. I feel as though I need to show that that support is not wasted and has been a worthy investment. 

Mardi Gras in the Tower with Ron!

Ron Smith, an old and departed friend, used to tease me all the time. He used to call me "Super Star". Ron, as some of you know, was a brash, tactless, sometimes arrogant character. There was much more to Ron than what he acted like. As time passed, Ron revealed the soft side of himself that he rarely showed to most people. I found myself proud to call him my friend when many others dismissed him as unworthy. 

I recall an evening at Ron's house (he rarely allowed people to come over) when we had a quiet conversation. A few months later Ron would pass on from complications from a stroke. Over the course of our friendship, whenever it was just us two because in company Ron had a persona he had to maintain, Ron would relax and show this kind and loving, sensitive and compassionate side. 

During that conversation Ron told me how proud he was of me and how jealous he was of how my life was turning out. His sincerity was undeniable. I knew that the bond we had built transcended the need to "put on" any kind of "front"! His genuine tone made me acknowledge my impact on Ron's life and I was proud of our relationship.

These little jabs that come along as frequently as they do become less and less subtle. They make you confront the reality of the consistency. I believe I'm learning where my drive is coming from. I feel the need to fulfill the expectations of my loved ones, for them, not me. I want to make good on the investment of love and kindness and faith I've been so generously given! I need to be that "Super Star", not at any grand level, but more at whatever level I can challenge myself to rise to.  

I know now that self promotion is not even close! I've been being promoted by lots of people for years! I'm just slow! If I believed in reincarnation I would believe I was George Bailey from "It's Wonderful Life" (as far fetched as reincarnation is, being reincarnated as a fictitious character from a movie shouldn't be such a stretch). I'm pretty sure I have a gift of some sort. I just need a little more courage to unwrap it and find out what it is! Birthdays have a way of making you think like this! At least it's only once a year! 

Here's the deal on Show #230! Hardly Strictly Bluegrass is such a great influence for me! This show is a mish-mash of HSB highlights and different things! Hot Tuna was at the top of my favorites and so it kicks off the show in a chicken themed set (I don't understand my chicken attraction). Other HSB artists include (in order) The Mother Hips, KT Tunstall, Colvin & Earle, The California Honeydrops, Nick Waterhouse, Cake (yes Cake), Jamey Johnson, and Hayes Carll. Lots of wonderful other stuff are sprinkled all through the aforementioned. This is an awesome show, start to finish! You'll love it!

Thanks Robin and Jerry for all you do and believe me it's a lot!

Thanks to all you listeners for your support! My sole intention is to entertain you in one way or another! Your kindness and generosity are so appreciated!

Peace and love,

Mike